The complications of a little thing called love

I have never been a believer. Whether it’s religion, love, or mindless superstitions. Maybe I was a believer at some point, I mean every kid is right?  At some point I believed in Santa, the tooth fairy, and in some monster that would undoubtedly eat me if I stood in the darkness. But all of this ended when I was around 12 years old. I discovered the Christmas gifts hidden in a closet and I stepped into the darkness more than once, the monsters vanished from my mind and the supernatural became nothing more than fiction. Religion followed soon after. Throughout my first communion, I read a good part of a fictional novel, I then believed to have some truth to it. This was a novel written by several people, that focuses on a bipolar array of stories that go from mercy to wrath to forgiveness. It was laughable how adults expected my 8, 10, or 12-year old self to understand this complicated array of emotions. As a 16-year-old, my confirmation did nothing but confirm the absence of what I knew had never been there, with all the conflicting stories, plagiarized and repetitive songs, and lame attempts at miracle retreats. The more I learned, the less I believed.

I have never been a believer.

But then there came love. Not the friendly, paternal, or fraternal kind of love. But the one that consumes you ever so slowly, that you become lost and blinded by it. It is the one thing that has always caused confusion in my heart, even if my mind keeps stirring straight away. Even if I know what is the right thing to do, my heart tells me otherwise. We all want to be loved, and the absence of it can be a though thing to accept. Love can be very complicated. Rom coms and dramas can’t quite capture it, they all follow the same format. A guy and a girl, a complication, and a happily ever after. They don’t tell you that love is not just one emotion, but a mix of many. They don’t tell you how you can get hurt by hurting someone. They don’t tell you that love is not a fairy tale.

I do not believe in fairy tales.

You get to the point where you ask yourself if there is something wrong with you or with the rest of the world. I bet it’s me. I want to believe in the one. But how can I do this if love has been absent for the greater part of my life? I recently felt that I had found the right person, I want to believe it with all my heart. Everything is right with him, yet there is a missing part of the puzzle. My future is uncertain. After a hurtful screw up, I found that I was the defective one. Perhaps the closest I can get to explaining the situation is the famous (500) Days of Summer, which is also one of my favorite films. It is the perfect love story gone wrong… without anything really going wrong. A girl falls in love with a boy, the boy is more into her than she is into him, she realizes this and ends it. There is not a villain in this story, or will you say she is evil for following her true emotions? That is what happened to me. And I find myself being Summer, only Summer’s life ends with a fairy tale, and I am not sure how my life is going to end.

Starting over. And over. And over.

Are you one of those believers in love who thinks only an affair can break the spell? Well, think again. Love fades, my friends. And I am here trying to figure out how to know when that person is the right person to fight for that love. I am here trying to figure out my emotions, while my opposite knows exactly what his emotions are. They are an underrated thing, emotions. Society sees them as something they’ve got to escape, I see them as something I need to hide. They are neither. They are something you need to talk about, respect, and follow. I have decided to follow my heart on this one, what feels right, right now. I do not see myself with anyone in the future, I can’t visualize myself more than three years ahead. I cannot promise him a future, but I can promise him a now. Am I the villain because of that?



Big Bend National Park

This past labor day weekend we visited Big Bend National Park for the very first time and it was everything I thought it would be, beautiful and amazing. The new Jeep gained a couple of miles and behaved just as any Jeep would in the outdoors.

We stayed at Chisos campground and visited all of the other areas, so I can confidently say we stayed in the best campground. It had everything. The visitor center was close by, the scenery was gorgeous, and it was surrounded by many trails. The sight at night though, was something pictures just cannot even begin to capture.. I need a better lens.

I had missed waking up to the outdoors and exploring. I wish I had explored a little more. Sadly, we were only there for three days. But it won’t be the last time I visit Big Bend, I cannot wait to go back. Someday I will travel across all the national parks without time constraints. Someday, but for now, we can just enjoy the little time we have. And I did.

Until the next adventure.

Family Time

There is only four of us. Mom, dad, brother, and I. We are all in different cities, more than 500 miles away from each other and it is difficult to get together. That is why I deeply cherish every moment I get with them. This time we met in Chicago. It is difficult to explain that feeling of seeing them for the first time after three or four months have passed. Heartbreaking yet fulfilling at the same time. It fills you up with energy and you find yourself breaking into an uncontrollably big smile.

Having grown up in a desert, I am always amazed by the blue colors of this city. One does not need to be too talented to take a beautiful photo of the gorgeous blue palette that surrounds this city. We visited some of our favorite places, since it was no one’s first time visiting, and laughed about the memories we had of every site.

There is always fascination when visiting new cities, but also a certain nostalgia and greater enjoyment in re-visiting and doing things you wish you have done that one time. The weather was beautiful, the sky was clear, and the water was as blue as ever. The city is obviously doing a good job in recuperating the clearness of the great lakes that surround them.

Photos don’t do justice to the beauty. But one can always try. Until next time.

Austin Nights

With the Pokemon Go hype going on we’ve been exploring new places around Austin as well as visiting the old popular ones. A few nights ago we went to Zilker Park at night and did a little Pokemon hunting. After our phones were nearly dead however, I brought out the camera and decided to test out different setting on that beautiful skyline. I am in love with the results.

Then we started having some fun with that shutter speed. I had never tried doing light figures with my camera, so it was really fun and exciting to see my amateur results turn out pretty decent. I will definitely try to do this more often, my camera has been somewhat abandoned for the past months.

The New Roommate

It has been a crazy month due to the car crash. Calling insurance companies, asking for car rentals, and finding a way to make people hurry up can be quite irritating. I never thought being in a car accident with no personal injuries would be this stressful. But hopefully things will get back to normal pretty soon.

One thing that has helped me to relax through this awful experience is my new roommate. Meet Kiara. My new female orange tabby! I rescued her from Austin Animal Shelter in June 20th.  I know, it has been a while and she has grown up a little since, but she is still super cute! She was the smallest and most playful kitty of the litter and I just had to get her. Who knew I would become a cat person? But hey, you know what they say, if you are not a cat person, it’s because you’ve never owned a cat:) So true..

Crash trauma and a happy life

Underestimating realness;

Maybe I just wasn’t that close to dying, or maybe I just have an awful memory (Fear number one: Alzheimer’s). It is said you can see snippets of your life while you are in a serious accident or about to die. Well, in that car accident two weeks ago, I saw nothing. I do remember thinking a lot, but nothing too far from What the hell is going on?! I remember wondering how that first car hit me, how many full circles my car would turn, and finally, if there was anyone around me that I could hit in this mess. I did hit one car in the process, by the way.

The car stopped as soon as it hit the third car in the wreck. My hands were in the steering wheel, my foot on the break, afraid that if I let go the car would somehow start moving in an unwanted direction. I got off in the drizzle to check that the driver I had hit was okay, she was. I noticed then, that I was alright too, physically at least. I looked at my car and then realized the severity of the accident. The whole front was smashed and the side where I had been hit was dented.

I guess those moments of visions and revelations would have come if this had been worse. Who knows. I am not trying to discredit that beautiful thought of seeing your whole life pass in front of your eyes. I imagine an amazing, fast-forwarding film with your face and the people you love all over it. It is scary, but you have to admit it is quite beautiful. I am just trying to understand and share an experience. I have had several realizations throughout my life since I have paid several visits to the hospital, but I have always left the scene with just a few scars. This time however, it was a little bigger than that.

Yup, that’s my car after the 180

Dealing gratefully; I start to wonder how I am here typing this with just a small pain on my neck and stiffness on my back, when there are people out there driving and being victims to accidents very much like mine, but not being able to go to work the next day. Whiplash is the least of their troubles. I am here dealing with what seems like meaningless troubles. I was provided a car by the insurance company and was afraid to drive it the very first time.
A week has gone by and I still shakily place both of my hands on the wheel, I am extra careful with my mirrors, and I have not been able to change lanes on the freeway. I also haven’t driven through the street where the accident took place, even though I used that as a shortcut to avoid the traffic on the freeway. As someone who loved to drive, this is a lot.

Take a moment, look around;

In the words of one of today’s popular catch phrases, shit happens. I am here and this is what is happening. It has been difficult to repel the negativity that surrounds me, but there is always a small light at the end of the tunnel. The only difference is the people and experiences that surround me day after day create small, but hopeful fireflies inside this tunnel. And yes, I love fireflies.

I am trying to notice everything around me. The small things and the big things, I am trying to live fully and happier. Life has shown me people are pessimists by nature, it is the easier route. It is easier to complain than to do something. However, life has also shown me that does not have to be the case. There is good, optimism, and reasons to be happy all around us. You just have to look harder.

On to the future;

I want to live more and have a bigger purpose in life. I want to dedicate time to every moment. Learn to cook new things, keep my living space clean, schedule or spontaneously go on adventures every weekend no matter how long or short these might be. I want to look for the positive in the negative. I want to travel to every country in the world and find happiness in the simplest things. I want to appreciate the beauty that hides in the ugliest corners and capture that with my camera. And yes, I want to become a better photographer, engineer, designer, daughter, sister, person, a better me.

Life is not short. Life is long. We have time to do everything we need and want. How we do that is of course, an entirely different question. We just need to start.

..I still look forward to seeing that amazing film at the end of a bright tunnel full of fireflies. Someday.

Fourth Fireworks

It is impossible to capture the beauty of what our eyes really see through a simple camera. But one can only try. I have always been mesmerized by fireworks and this time I tried to capture their beauty through my lens. The repetition and colors are amazing features you can successfully capture in many shots, but lighting is the key for the background and that is something I have yet to learn.

After all you never stop learning. After playing with countless changes in settings, I decided to sit and enjoy the fireworks with a much better someone than my camera, “my person”. (Grey’s Anatomy reference.. I don’t wanna talk about it)